ishime (ishime) wrote,
ishime
ishime

[Fic] Harry Potter (Do Unto Others crack) - An entire family of nightmares - The Flints - G

Advent Calendar meme, 2014
December 9 - Harry Potter - (Do Unto Others verse) Marcus/Olivier - la famille de Hooligans qui va encourager le petit dernier
(for chonaku55)

Rating: G
Disclaimer:
Harry Potter belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Notes:
I AM SORRY OMG THIS IS CRAP. It's probably gonna end in the "no longer compatible with the verse" trashcan, mostly on account of being stupid crack.
But I need to post something, or I'll go crazy.

So, hm, yeah. Meet the Flints, around 2014/2015. And beware of the crack. *runs*



It's a nightmare. An entire family of nightmares.
George and Angelina hiss and curse everytime they're reminded of it. They work themselves up so much that their old housemates pray they won't come to the games, nowadays. Alicia and Katie took it a little better, but they still look a little crushed everytime they witness it. Ron and Dean and Seamus have all tried begging and bribing Neville into doing something, anything about this mess. But Neville shrugged them all off, and Hermione lectured them on tolerance and positivism and Harry did this sneaky little smile that means you're screwed and I'll watch you all crash down and they had to come to terms with the sad, sad truth.
Slytherin is crushing gryffindor and winning the cup, every bloody year like clockwork.
And sure, Aggrippa Broadmoor-now-Yaxley and her hellish spawn of doom helped a lot. But everyone agrees, it's mostly the fault of the Flints.




Flint - the good old troll they all know and love to hate - is, horrifyingly enough, the most reasonable of the bunch.
He wears his usual training clothes, with a green and silver scarf in winter. Nothing fancy. He just stands in the middle of the tribune, growling like the bloody thunder and yelling all the meanest songs and waving his paws at his kids when they fly by. He doesn't insult other parents, doesn't beat innocent hufflepuffs in corners and backalleys, he doesn't even start the fights with the gryffindor parents. He just wins them. Professionnal chaser bastard.

The she-Flint - the sister - is the most insane.
She comes dressed in bright green, with silver belt and boots, green and silver stripes in her hair, and live snake around her neck. Like she bathed in a potion of slythering house pride, to make up for going to Beaux-bâtons. She screams like a banshee, jumps in place, her long tight braid flying behind her, and the snake hisses and snaps at anything red or gold. When the referee looks the other way, she clenches fists almost as huge as her brother's, and loudly wishes a prompt and ghastly death to all opposing players. She's the one who always comes up with the most vicious cheers, and the cruelest jibes. The slytherin kids love her.

The old grandma is -
In any other family, she'd be an embarrassment. But trolls have no shame, and thus she comes on her enchanted green chair, ancient green hat falling over her chignon, and she spends the whole game cackling and shaking her wand to send green and silver sparks in the air. Always where it will blind and distract the opposition, of course.




Oliver, though, Oliver is the worst.
The first time, he wore normal clothes, and everyone was so shocked when he climbed with the slytherins - but now, oh, now he comes wearing Marcus' old slythering uniform, waving the green robes around in all his former housemates' faces with sadistic glee.
The second the game starts, he leans half over Flint, clawing at his elbow or shoulders to anchor himself, twitching and shaking with excitement. He cheers and sings like the best of the snakes, and he shouts instructions at the Flint spawn. And. They're not even different from what he used to yell at his teammates. It's still "Bludger on the keeper! Bash his sodding head!" and "This isn't a rendez-vous, dimwit, so rush her and take the quaffle!" and "That's my boy! One chaser down, two more to go!", except now he's yelling from the slythering stands, and he's just plain terrifying.
It's a tragic, soulcrushing sight, and the gryffindor morale plumets a little bit more each time.




They're all sure that it couldn't get any worse, until Drusilla graduates.
She comes wearing her old team uniform, captain badge included, and with the green and silver stripes in her hair that she took on since her nomination. Everyone in the slytherin stands recognizes the girl who won them the cup with a 100 points margin three years in a row, and she immediately takes command of the whole stand, leading them into scanding and singing and screaming themselves raw with the most horrible of her aunt's compositions to date.
When her brother wins the match for Slytherin - again - she climbs the guardrail and jumps in the stade. Brutus plunges to pick her up before the Magpies' new rising star ends up flattened on Hogwart's pitch, and she repays him with a long noogie. Then he flies her to the castle's door, so she can apparate on time for her own match that evening.
(Flint and Oliver laugh at MacGonagall's face when she complains about their offspring's shenanigans.)

The next year, Brutus joins Drusilla.
He doesn't have her raw charisma; he compensates by being an obsessively meticulous schemer. Mysterious bombs of green and silver paint explode in the Gryffindor stands; snakes appear under their benches, and an army of howlers rushes in through a mysteriously open door, to list all of their house's failures. The slytherins deploy a huge banner that glitters green and silver, and their seven years spell a giant light snake above the crowd. It curls and hisses and snaps at the gryffindors the whole match.


Anybody with an ounce of sanity would die of shame if their family pulled half the shit the Flints did.
Vitus takes it all with a giant slytherin grin, and does a looping above them when his opponents call for a time out.
Tags: english, fandom: harry potter, fic
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